SORRY WORKS! EDITORIAL: PRACTICING SORRY WORKS! DAILY WITH YOUR SPOUSE, SIGNIFICANT OTHER...

by Doug Wojcieszak

As the Sorry Works! Founder, I spend A LOT of time hopping in & out of airplanes, and left home to take care of the three-year child is my wife of five years, Jeanne. Usually, when calling home, I can tell within five seconds if our three-year old, William, is being a good boy or not. I can hear it that quickly in my wife's voice.

Well, last week Jeanne got to tag along to the Guy Carpenter meeting in Las Vegas last week; William spent the week with Gram and Grandpa in Cincinnati. At dinner after the Sorry Works! presentation, one of the insurance company executives jokingly asked Jeanne if I was any good at apologizing.

We had a good laugh about the question, but the humorous inquiry did bring up an interesting point: Saying "sorry" to your spouse or significant other can actually be harder than apologizing to a customer, patient, family, or colleague. Reason being with your spouse you have a close, intimate history, and not all of it is good, whereas with a patient or customer you have an arms-length relationship that, up to that point in time, has generally been positive. Fights between couples can easily drudge up your last 10 or more fights, and one or both parties can also lob unrelated items into the fight such as in-laws, the kids, money, the holidays, or other hot button issues in the relationship. "Not fighting fair" is how relationship experts define this destructive behavior. Furthermore, husband/wife fights or confrontations can literally blind-side you...they can happen so quickly and so unexpectedly. Everything is great, then WHAM. No hiding behind a secretary or nurse, nor can the confrontation be scheduled at 10am next Tuesday. Of course, it's very easy to be defensive and not acknowledge your spouse's feelings, which only aggravates the situation.

Case in point - flying home from Vegas last week, I cut it close at the airport. Truth of the matter, I always cut it close at the airport...it's a game and a challenge to park the car 25 minutes before the departure time, get through security, grab a drink and a sandwich, and jump on the plane before they close the door. Jeanne didn't like this game...she's four months pregnant, we had shuffle quickly past 20 gates, and she had to really, really go to the bathroom. Triumphantly walking down the jet way, I asked Jeanne why she was upset. When Jeanne unloaded, my response was: "Well, we made the flight, why are you so upset?" Bad answer to give a pregnant lady!

To Jeanne's credit, she gave clueless Doug a roadmap: Say you're sorry, acknowledge my feelings, give me a kiss and a hug, and promise never to put me through that stress again. Good response and good lesson.

It's so easy to be defensive with our spouses, family members, and close friends. So hard to say to sorry because of our shared history and past fights. So easy to forget the rules of Sorry Works! and common courtesy. But, this is what makes our personal relationships great training & great practice for strengthening our Sorry Works! skills so we are sharp when an otherwise happy customer comes to us with a complaint.

"But, Doug, if you screw up with your wife, you spend a night on the couch with a cold ham sandwich. I screw up with a patient or family, I'm staring a lawsuit in the face...I don't see how the two situations are equal or even why the comparison is being made?"

The situations AREN'T equal. In a loving relationship, yes, the stakes are usually lower, but it actually can be harder to say sorry...harder not to be defensive...harder to acknowledge the other person's feelings....talk about great practice so when the stakes are higher (lawsuit, complaint to medical board, etc) you're ready to do and say the right thing.